It Feeds On Noodles
by Masamune CAN
Summary: When something freaky that I don't remember happens to ZIM at a fair, he is turned into a Chinese Food eating vampire with chopsticks for fangs. Weird, but awesome. Involves Keef!


INVADER ZIM

#35a

"It Feeds On Noodles"

by CAN

FADE IN:

INT. ZIM's HOUSE - THE LIVING ROOM

ZIM is scrubbing the floor with SKOODGE and the computer's mechanical hand. Minimoose floats above ZIM with a bucket of water or cleaner... The floor sparkles. ZIM backs up, encouraged.

ZIM

There! I've needed to clean this filth for months... How can I conquer the world with a dirty floor? No one can, I tell you, it's impossible! THAT must be why I've lacked my destroying.

He nods, agreeing with himself, when GIR bursts in the door, riding his jets. He crashes into the floor they are cleaning. His HEAD opens with the impact and SPILLS mud and other trash out all over ZIM's clean floor. ZIM looks scandalized.

ZIM

GIR?! How many times will I have to reprimand you before you don't fly around the house with mud in your head?!

GIR

HEY- HEEY! HEEEEEY! I found the bestest thing EVERRR! COMEWITME!!

ZIM

GIR, I have floors to clean... things to be done!

(noticing his moose)

Minimoose, put that bucket down, it's way too big for you.

MINIMOOSE does as he's told and drops the bucket. It lands on Skoodge, making him scream and sizzle.

SKOODGE (PAINFUL)  
Oohh my - WHAT IS WITH ALL THE RANDOM PAIN ON THIS PLANET!!?

ZIM stares at the mess, grumbling. He turns to GIR and pulls a mechanical RAYGUN THING from his PAK compartment.

ZIM

(is apparently trying to leave)

Well... uh... I think I should go work on this MORONIC-MIND-CONVERTING DEVICE. It needs work and could do ANYTHING at this point. Bye.

But GIR won't have that as an answer. He activates his jets again and knocks into ZIM. ZIM screams as he now, unwantingly, rides GIR out of the house. SKOODGE still moans in pain. Minimoose squeks happily. CUT TO:

EXT. THE CITY FAIRGROUNDS - THE FAIR

A fair is taking place. Children run around with thier parents. Wallets are being sold. "Still In Use Wallets". One other booth is selling Chinese food, while next to it, a long line is outfront, "Stakes-In-Esphogases."

ZIM's screaming is heard faintly offscreen. He and GIR suddenly tumble into the shot from the sky. GIR immediatly jumps up and into the line to the CHINESE FOOD booth thing, "YUMMY PLACE".

GIR

Hey, ZIMMY MASTER? Can I have some pig-intestines in a wrap?

ZIM (HOLDING BACK GAGS)

Sickening! No, GIR! I can't continually allow you to fill your roboty belly with this-

GIR began to sob, making the loudest and most annoying and sad shrieks EVER MADE BEFORE. ZIM gets mad and covers his ears, trying to deal with it. GIR gets louder and one person stops and looks at ZIM with his girlfriend.

BOY

Look at that kid and his dog! OH, HOW THAT DOG CRIES! That boy MUST be an alien.

He nods approvingly and his girlfriend does too.

GIRL

You so smart.

ZIM

What? NO! ZIM is not alien!

(to GIR)

FINE, GIR! I will purchase you some human filth.

GIR (QUIET NOW)

Yaahh, I knew you would.

ZIM forks over some cash from his pocket. While he does this he stares around, frightned, at all the weird things. CLOWNS, LABOR-SLAVES, NAKED ANCHORMEN, all frolicking in the breeze...

ZIM

GIR, listen, we REALLY need to go home... there's too much of a risk that we'd get caught... plus, SKOODGE can't be trusted with my base alone... who knows what fate my home has in store THIS VERY MOMENT.

ZIM thinks of possiblities. He sudders as we CUT TO: AN IMAGINARY SINARIO.

First is SKOODGE pulling electrical wires out of various mechanical objects smirking evilly, in the most un-Skoodgey way.

ZIM (O.S)

Ooh...

(Now the computer on fire)

Ugh...

Finally, SKOODGE is setting a glass of iced drink on the furniture WITHOUT A COASTER.

INT. THE FAIRPLACE

ZIM (INFURIATED)

Oh, you retched...!

CUT TO:

Behind ZIM, DIB and GAZ wander, looking at stuff.

DIB

You know, GAZ, I think it would be really neat if you would join the SWOLLEN EYEBALL NETWORK with me. You wouldn't have to do anything ever, but I think that the more people involved, the more that OTHER people will WANT to be involved-

GAZ

I don't want to be a part of your STUUPID cult... I want to buy some pizza.

DIB

It's NOT a cult- oh, fine GAZ... there's the FOOD COURT right - _YOU_!

He had seen ZIM when looking over at the food stands. ZIM turns to him, confused.

ZIM

Me?! You!

DIB

No, you! Uh, me!

ZIM

Me you!

DIB

Me you?

ZIM

You me?

DIB

Me, you, we!

ZIM

Eh... uh... yeah!

DIB

Oh. Okay then... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?

ZIM (BORED)

Can't I simply go to a... uh... whatever this organized human-people thing is... without you questioning me?

DIB (UNMERCIFUL)

No, now answer my question, _you_.

Behind them, GAZ is in line for BLOATY's PIZZA, GIR is GONE and KEEF is walking by a random kid, looking happy and hyper.

KEEF

And then we all sang a song about tulips... I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS CALLED, but it suuurre was fun!

KID

Hey. Stop followin' me.

KEEF

And a SKY GLIDER THING dropped us in a big puddle of JELLO! ... IT was even FUNNER!

KID

Quit it. You're bugging me.

KEEF

... and I POPPED LIKE A BALLON! Or maybe... more like a... INFLATABLE SANTA! YEAH!

KID

Excuse me? You're annoying.

KEEF

OH! LOOKETT, LOOKETT! IT's MY BESTEST BUDDIES, ZIM AND DIB!

KID

Who? You mean zat crazy big-headed kid and ze weird green boy?

KEEF

Yep. Those are my bestest friends in the whole wide world!

KID

... freak...

PAN to ZIM and DIB. They both stop at the sound of KEEF's voice and they turn, SLOWLY, in that direction.

ZIM

OH NO! IT's THAT KEEF HUMAN! ZIM MUST HIDE!

ZIM jumps for the CHINESE FOOD BUFFETT and launches himself inside. DIB leaps for a CARMEL BOOTH, where he jumps in the carmel. The carmel-vendor man looks confused at the big-headed boy in his carmel. Keef arrives at the place they had been.

KEEF

HEYA, BUDDIES? WHERE'D YOU GO?

ZIM eyes are the only thing seeable. GIR then pops out of the CHINESE FOOD BUFFETT WITH ZIM. ZIM's eye's widen.

ZIM (QUIETLY)

No, GIR don't! _GIR!_

GIR (LOUDLY)

Hey, it's your friend! KEEF! HEY, KEEEEF?! LOOK! ZIM's OVER HERE, A'PLAYIN' IN THE BUFF-EH! YEAH, over here!

ZIM grabs GIR's mouth. It turns out that he is still holding the mind-configuring thing that he had at the house. He drops it, unknowingly. GIR backs up from ZIM's grip and ZIM follows, standing up and stepping on the device. THERE IS A FLASH. ZIM falls from the cart, his BODY flashing. He steps up, still flashing weakly. He rubs his head.

KEEF

Hey ZIM! You okay? You had quite a fall! A FLASHY ONE, HA!

We still haven't seen ZIM's face. He is rubbing his eyes and grunting. He looks up and we see that he has RED SPOOKY SLITS! His wig also, for some reason, has RE-ARRANGED IT's APPEARENCE. He doesn't talk. He simply gets in line for CHINESE FOOD. DIB slowly crawls out of the carmel.

DIB (STICKY)

I've heard of this in MYSTERIOUS MYSTERIES MAG. He's experiencing a BRAIN-CONFUSION SPORE that must have been sent to him through that thing he just stepped on!

GAZ

Hey Dib. SHUT IT WITH THE PARA-STUPID TALK!

ZIM arrives to the front of line. He points to the menu, then his mouth, then the man behind the counter. He then shakes his fist at him, threatningly. The man nods and hands him a bag. ZIM shakes his hand at him. The man hands him some chop-sticks, too. ZIM waves a wave thing of wavey thanks and turns to leave. DIB raises an eyebrow.

DIB

Okaay...

(tauntingly)

I thought _IRKENS_ couldn't _EAT_ HUMAN FOOD, _ZIM_?

ZIM ignores him and stuffs the chop-sticks into his gums for no reason at all, as though just messing around. He's a moron. Now he eats the bag's substance. He eats some more. He pulls a plastic To-Go Carton out of the bag. He lifts the lid that says, "Ripped Ripper Ready Mix - Marge Potter Version". He eats some more.

DIB (ANNOYED)

ZIM, I'm taunting your race over here, pay attention... hey. Hey, did you buy EVERYTHING on the menu?!

(ZIM nods, eating some more)

HEY WAITAMINUTE! You're a VAMPIRE, aren't you?! WOAH, MAN! A VAMPIRE ALIEN! I need to capture YOU NOW!

KEEF

Dib, don't you see? ZIM NEEDS OUR HELP! He's trap-ed in this VAMPIRE FORM! LOOKITT HIM... the poor thing.

(ZIM burps and eats more food. Keef adores him)

Don't you fret, ZIM. Me and your old buddy DIB will help you out.

KEEF grabs ZIM by the collar and pulls him along. Dib, looking rather mad, grunts.

DIB

Oh come on, KEEF! I hate you as much as ZIM, I don't want to follow you around and make sure that ZIM doesn't destroy you all day!

(KEEF doesn't return. DIB sighes)

Gaz, I'll be back in a little bit... wear this LUCKY COLYSOCK ARM on your left ankle and you'll stay safe intil I come back.

DIB pulls something out of his pocket and hands it to GAZ, who eats pizza now. GIR jumps up from offscreen and onto DIB's head as DIB runs after KEEF and ZIM. The ankle charm implodes in GAZ's clenched fist.

INT. A BOOTH AT THE FAIR

ZIM is wobbling up to the nearest stand. He has crumbs all over his front and chop-stick fangs. The stand he approaches SELLS CAPES. He tries one on. He considers it, shakes his head and takes it off. He hangs it NEATLY on the hanger and turns to the next possible selection.

KEEF

Ahh... you used all your money on FOOD, ZIM. You don't have enough for a cape, tooo.

ZIM shrugs and grunts. He continues to look at clothes. DIB arrives. GIR follows him around, eating food.

DIB

Come ON Keef... if this was really the real ZIM that you REALLY know, he wouldn't really want your help... let's just abandon him so that some other Swollen Eyeball Agent can get him and open his organs...

KEEF

No can do, buddy! ZIM is my loyal friend, and I'll never leave his side in his HOUR OF NEED!

DIB

But... it's been three hours... and he's not loyal to you. He tried to cut your legs off last time you came to his LUNCH TABLE!

KEEF

Oh, admit it, Dib. You like ZIM so much that you want him to suffer.

DIB

Okay... that makes no sense, but I CAN tell you that _I HATE ZIM_!

GIR

(to KEEF)

He really likes him. You can just tell.

DIB looks furious. ZIM hops up behind Dib, and Dib, unnoticing, is taken by surprise when his cape is taken off his back. ZIM wears DIB's cape and looks comfortable as he moves on.

DIB

Hey, GIVE THAT BACK! Some lame vampire, you are, ZIM... you don't even suck fluids or nothing...

(for some reason, ZIM now has a soda that he slurps, rudely, on)

... AND your actually MORE NICE NOW then you were BEFORE!

ZIM grunts in stupid pleasure and wrestles some food off GIR, who looks mad and fights back. ZIM gets GIR's food and eats it. GIR squels angrily. GRUDGE.

EXT. ZIM's HOUSE

Skoodge, in disguise, steps outside with Minimoose.

SKOODGE

Minimoose, can you track ZIM? I'm starting to worry about him...

MINIMOOSE squeks personably and narrows his moosey-pupils. CUT TO:

INT. MOOSEY POV

The MOOSEY POV is PURPLE. Minimoose zooms throughout town and stops on a few places. All these places say, "NEGATORY" on the side. Finally, he zooms apon the fair.

EXT. ZIM's HOUSE

Minimoose peeps. Skoodge smile pleasureably.

SKOODGE

EXCELLENT!

(beat... Skoodge slowly looks more confused)

Now what do we do?

INT. THE FAIRGROUNDS

ZIM is still eating, wearing DIB's cape, and wearing CHOP-STICK FANGS. KEEF follows him from FAIR BOOTH to FAIR BOOTH.

KEEF

Gee ZIM. I sure am glad I can hang out with you. If you weren't a vampire now, capable of biting me to doom, I'd give you a hug!

DIB looks miserable.

DIB

According to that episode I saw on this subject, the cure is to remind him of his old self, or pierce his heart with a spike, but I think we'll do that later on... when Keef isn't looking...

KEEF

GREAT idea, Dibbers! NOW,_ HOW_ do we remind ZIM of his OLD SELF?

DIB

I don't know. He always yells his name when referring to himself... like when he says, "I AM ZIM."

KEEF

GREAT! Heeyyy, ZIIIM? Can you tell us what your name is?

ZIM blinks stupidly. Keef smiles. ZIM stares. Keef cocks his head and grins. ZIM's eyes go crossed as he stares. Keef smiles girlishly, cocking his head in the other direction. ZIM burps.

KEEF

Any other ideas, Dib? He seems too witless to remember his... well, anything.

Dib thinks. He thinks goood. Finally, he snaps his fingers in cluenesscome.

DIB

I DO! Keef! You have to make sure ZIM's okay while I go!

He is yelling this order over his shoulder as he runs through the crowd, dodging people.

TITLE OVER

A black screen fades into view. A voice breaks out... it sounds almost like Morgon Freeman narrating. After a second, a montage of what he's explaining begins to happen.

MORGAN FREEMAN

And so that big headed boy ran clear across town... he dodged baboons and milkmen, and he nearly died like... four times, tripping over the same puppy. But finally, he arrived at his destination. He asked that Skoodge fa help, and that little hippo gasped and did as that Dib asked. Them people sooon arrived back at dat fair, where dey met Keef and ZIM.

INT. THE FAIR!

Dib, Skoodge, Keef and ZIM stand in a circle. 

DIB

That narrating thing sure was weird. Who was that?

KEEF

Come on, Dib! Let's finish this!

SKOODGE

What do we do?

DIB

I was thinking... ZIM once said while monalogging that anyone lower then him reminded him of himself... I never understood that, but maybe... Skooodge?

Skoodge stares at everyone. Then he gets it.

SKOODGE

What? Oh great... I am NOT lower then ZIM!

KEEF

Ac...actually, you are.

SKOODGE (GULLABLE)

Oh. Well, okay then. What do I do?

DIB

Anger him! Do what you ALWAYS do!

Skoodge stares over at ZIM, who is standing in one place and drooling at the mouth. It turns out that GIR is sitting on his shoulders from behind. Skoodge salutes.

SKOODGE

I shall do as you ask, enemy from target planet!

Skoodge skips to ZIM. This plot is straightforward and dumb.

SKOODGE

Hello, ZIM! May I let you know that I am smarter then you? I AM! HA!

(ZIM stares stupidly; Skoodge looks surprised)

And... since you can't say anything about what I say now, you stink too! MWA HA!

(ZIM's eye twitches, but that's it. Dib looks suspenseful.)

And... JEEEZ, just clean yourself every now and then with something OTHER then glue... and when you go down the toilet to the lab, PUT THE LID BACK DOWN!

(ZIM's eyes flash... normal blue, then back to vampire slits)

And I HATE that moose, it stinks! It always sticks itself right into my robot's face all dancin', and let ME call the Tallest sometimes! Let ME tell them how I'm doing, not in secret like I always have to, but actually--

(Skoodge is on a roll down... an emotional roll)

-- you ALWAYS tell them that I' not doing good... COME ON, I'm okay! And how did you get in that pool the other day without sizzling in pain? Everytime I touch water, it's like 'HASGHGS' but when YOU-- you... PIG! I HATE YOU!

ZIM's eyes flashes numerous times... he jerks and grabs his head, shaking his face in his hands. He groans and moans. Dib laughes manically, or whateva the word is. Finally, ZIM emerges from behind his fingers... dramatic. He is normal. His hair is, too. Eyes are blue!

DIB

That was weird. This whole thing has been weird! I'm glad its over.

ZIM

WHAT did you say to me, SKOODGE???

SKOODGE

Uhmmm...

ZIM

You say I stink??

SKOODGE

Errr...

ZIM  
YOU THINK... MY MOOSE IS INTRUDING??

SKOODGE

No...

ZIM  
HOW YOU DARE!!

And ZIM chased him away, knocking passing humans over and yelling gibberish.

DIB

Yeah... life is back to normal.

KEEF

Normal... yeaahhh.

...content silence...

GIR

Okay, is it just me, OR ARE THESE EPISODES GETTING CRAZIER!? This is NOT NORMAL!

The scene fades away. Keef, Dib and GIR begin to saunter away after ZIM and Skoodge, who you can see on the horizon running.

KEEF

GIR! You can talk!

DIB

Didn't you know that?

GIR

Normal.

DIB

I should be recording this, but I'm not.

KEEF

You people my friends...

ZIM  
SKOODGE! COME HERE, YOUR THE PIG!

SKOODGE  
I AM, I'm SORRY ABOUT THAT!

ZIM  
DIE!!

Blackness.

END.


End file.
